In 2010, while driving alone on Interstate 80 West to Napa Valley, I thought I was going to die. The panic attack I endured was so crippling that I truly believed my psyche would snap and I would never be me again…
This moment would come to define me.
But first — Why am I sharing this with you?
I write psychological thrillers, where my characters, typically artists, grapple with mental health issues like addiction and self-destruction. They use fame, money, and drugs to mask their inner turmoil. But to no avail. By ACT III, my protagonist has no choice but to go toe-to-toe with the source of their inner pain.
We write what we know…
As a child, I used OCD and neurotic rituals as a means of control. A way to alter my perception of reality so I didn’t have to deal with the chaos around me. But at one point in my early twenties, these childhood rituals no longer served me. They could no longer control the intrusive thoughts and shadows leaking into my consciousness.
For years, I pretended like everything was fine. I smiled and went through the motions, but secretly, I was in real pain.
And the culmination of my struggle came on that interstate to Napa.
That morning, the fear was so visceral that I literally cried out to God. I remember shaking and crying uncontrollably, trying desperately to push away the pain. The more I resisted, the more pain I suffered.
This was my ACT III moment.
Finally, my knuckles loosened.
My grip faltered.
And I released into the unknown.
And the most magical thing happened.
A spiritual opening emerged.
The most divine, the most beautiful awakening of my life. For hours after, I was in that unimaginable state of bliss, connected to everything and everyone.
But deep down, I knew the moment was fleeting. The root cause of my anxiety was still lurking in the shadows.
Still, I was never really the same after that event. At least my writing wasn’t. No matter what novel I was working on, recurring themes kept bubbling up. A broken protagonist, embarking on a transformative journey from dark to light. Slaying their demons and transmuting their fears into something good. Through my writing, particularly the 'Died Famous' series, I’ve been on a journey of self-healing. In many ways, I am my own protagonist.
My newest book
My newest book, The Eleven, might be the most intimate and darkest book I’ve ever created. I wrote it during the pandemic when my anxieties were at an all-time high. I was just becoming a new father, and without the daily distractions, the source of my pain rooted its ugly head. For the next three years, I’ve done what I do best — Dig for answers on the blank page, using fictitious characters to work through the pain. Reading the book, I can almost see my subconscious trying to leave clues. Trying to point me in the right direction.
But my “writer” self is much braver than my “real life” self, and it has truly taken me three years to discover the answers hidden in the manuscript.
A truth I’ve been running from my entire life.
The source of all my anxiety and pain.
As I’m preparing to share this book with the world, I’m nervous. There will probably be a lot of conversations that need to take place. A lot of relationships that need to be tested. But I’m also ready to be more personal, raw, and open. I hope that by facing these scary things, a reader might get the courage to face theirs.
Wow! This is so raw and real!!! Thank you for sharing Kyle. I like the way you were able to identify with your writing and your anxiety then give it a voice. You are not alone with this. We write best from what we know. Your series from She Died Famous was was just the beginning. Your titles are great too!!! Looking forward to reading your newest book!
Thank you for sharing. You are an incredibly gifted writer and I can’t wait to read your new book.